The Insecticons are dancing. This can only end in fire ... oh, great Primus, the official page updated! This is one of the signs of the Cybertronian Apocalypse. Another sign is the Fallen actually getting a toy.

... What do you mean there's extremely loose rumours that he'll be part of the 6" Titanium line?

Fortunately, one of the other signs is, 'Hasbro does something that no fanboy can find fault with,' so doom will never come. I knew all that whining had to have some kind of use. Once again, the column starts with the questions sent to my counterpart:

Q: How many Transformers are there in Transformers Cybertron?
A: The cartoon or the toy line? Because the toy line isn't finished. As well, I'm supposing you mean 'named characters' and 'not counting repaints or upgrades.' Forty-three. If you don't like that number, count them yourself. If you mean everyone who showed up ever, name or not, you can go walk off a pier.

Q: When will Primus be released in stores?
A: He's out already, at least in places that are not Canada. Hide your Church of Primus Is A Bastard pamphlets - he gets a bit fussy about things like that.

Q: What is a Cyber Planet Key and how many are there? Why are the keys’ powers only temporary? How many times can you use its power in one battle?
A: Cyber Planet Keys are pieces of Primus' spark, taken to other worlds as a source of energy for a galactic space-bridge. However, their original function was lost, so they ended up just being idols for the colonists. There were four of these.

What you mean to ask is, "What is a Cyber Key?" A Cyber Key is something like a Minicon, but come from Primus instead of Unicron, and is rather less useful. There are as many Cyber Keys as there are non-Minicon Transformers. Each Cybertronian has exactly one Cyber Key. His Key might change if he upgrades, but he still has only one. Fanfiction writers, take note and stop giving your Mary-Sues multiple Keys. Don't think I don't see you. Key-powers work for as long as the plot demands, generally for one or two shots.

Q: Will there be another Transformers DVD and when will it be in stores?
A: Oh, goodness, yes. Merchandising is where the money comes from, and overpriced DVDs are just part of that. The important question is, when are they going to repaint Thunderblast?

Q: How does Megatron become Galvatron?
A: It depends. In Cybertron, he upgraded by throwing a temper tantrum. Technically, this should have turned him green, not silver. Generally, he needs Unicron in one way or another to make the change.

Q: Can Optimus combine with any other Transformer besides Wing Sabre and Leobreaker? Can Optimus combine with both of them at the same time?
A: Get a few drinks in him and ... no, wait, I already did that joke. He could combine with Nemesis Breaker if he wanted to, but who wants two cat hands that want to fight with one another? Bits get in the way if he tries to combine with both Wing Sabre and Leobreaker.

Q: Will Beast Machines be issued on DVD?
A: It's out already. We've even seen it up here in the Great White North, but refrained from buying it. See previous complaint about overpricing.

And here are the questions that Shrapnel claims were sent to me:

Q: Why, oh why, is it so hard to be a female Transfan? If we're not being denigrated as overweight, ugly lunatics, we're being slobbered over by greasy fanboys. I'm just a normal girl who happens to like giant alien robots. I deserve the same respect as anyone else.
Now put this corset on.
Regards,
A Loyal Reader
A: The problem that I have observed with your species is that it's somehow a bad thing to be female and worse to have traditionally femminine interests. I am all for female Transformers fans, and it saddens me that so many are made to feel ashamed because of it. Not that they seem ashamed of their fandom, but of their gender. Imply that a female fan is somehow less than a male fan, and too many won't say, "Who are you to judge how much of a fan I am?" and ignore the one who made the implication. Too often she will go off on a rant about how masculine she is and that femminine things don't interest her in any way. While some certainly speak the truth, it always comes across as, "I am ashamed of my gender. Being male is inherantly better than being female."

Until both sides acknowledge that neither gender is superior, you're stuck with the assorted idiots who cannot accept that a female can have male interests.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
1) Have you seen anything from the new Transformer series in Japan, Transformers Kiss?
2) What did you think of it?
3) What did Wayward think of it?
4) What did the Insecticons think of it?
5) And lastly, what did Pepsi Prime think of it?
Just curious.
A: 1) Just the pictures of the toys and the general idea of it.

2) It is a bit silly.

3) It is hugely silly.

4) They think it should involve Hershy's.

5) He thinks it should involve Pepsi.

Q: Vector Prime,
My beast-mode brains are in my foot! Everytime someone treads on my toe, I get a headache! What can I do? Does this mean if someone shoots my head off I won't die?
Yours hopefully, Brimstone
A: The fastest way to find out is to ask someone to shoot off your head, but I suppose you'd rather not do that. I think you should encase your foot in concrete to protect it. Possibly you will need to have a little cart for your foot because it will be heavy.

Q: Autobot!
Why does nobody appreciate my supreme awesomeness?
Classics Megatron
[PS. What is this "Nerf" thing?]
A: Because they are fanboys, and thus subject to a curse. Decades ago, when the idea of 'fandom' was just starting to take hold, a wicked witch didn't like it and cast a spell. If a fanboy actually likes something in his fandom and admits it, or if he dislikes something and just shrugs it off instead of complaining, he will turn into a toad. Or so they believe, which is why they insist on being negative.

Nerf is a brand of play-weapon that shoots foam projectiles. One of their products looks a bit like your alternate mode.

Q: Vector Prime,
Have you seen my teeth?
Major Bloodnok
A: Yes. I would prefer that I hadn't. They are on the saxophone, where you left them.

Q: Dear Guardian of Time,
Since you are a master of time-travel and guardian of time, we thought it best to ask you some vital questions. Who controls the Shrike? Is the UI going to eat us all? What was the deal with Radamanth Nemes? What the bloody hell is going on in our universe?
The Ousters
A: I'd say to ask Simmons, but somehow I doubt that even he knows what's going on any more.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
I have seen the movie trailer. Where did my neck go?
Bumblebee, worried
A: Fear not - that isn't you. The Transformer in the trailer is a generic Decepticon.

Q: Hey! You!
Okay, I know we Triggerbots are older than old news, but what's the deal with the parcel of kinky underwear?
Override, G1

Q: Vector Prime,
Why have I just received a parcel of motorcycle spare parts with your return address on it?
Override, Cybertron
A: This is what I get for sending multiple packages at the same time ...

Q: Autobot scum!
Why haven't I had a cameo in ANY of the new series? I was brilliant in Beast Wars!
G1 Starscream, bored
A: The most likely reasons are that later series took place in universes that had no connection to G1 and that all but RiD already contained a Starscream. To have a second one running around would have confused matters.

Q: BWAAAAGH! Prime!
Bwaaagh! Reissue! Aaaargh! £70! Aaaagh? Bwaaah! Purple! PURPLE! BWAAAAAAAH! Biscuits.
Galvatron [bwah]
A: Safeguard will be better at answering this:

Safeguard says: BIP! Beedle! Bip beep! BEEP! Bipbip.

Q: Vector Prime.
Jet mode; appreciated. Name reuse; financially beneficial. Repaint; cool. Assistance required. Feet; small.
Soundwave
A: Hrm, and you've got those dreadful heel spurs as well. I suggest reporting to your local kitbasher or Constructicon for assistance.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
We would like to invite you to speak at our annual convention of old, ugly and otherwise neglected Transformers. There will be sherry, cake and Minicon holding-pens. The next meeting is last Tuesday.
Yours sincerely, BW Scourge
A: Last Tuesday? Was my speech any good?

And I have two missives from a fellow who claims to be the leader of the Scrapmetals and Insecticon Clones. Oddly, he also claims to be in contact with the Legascions, the local fanwarped version of the Liege:

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
I have part of a Legascion message. Here it goes!
from Liege Fabulo to Galvatron
Galvatron, ........ join ...... Legascion army ...... gain .... power you deserve.
A: Hrm. Much as Galvatron is a threat, I'd rather he was kept well away from the Legascions. Given that you use that term, they would be the faction from Transformers: Infinity, and they're more about assimilation than destruction. I don't want to see what happens if they decide to adopt Galvatron's traits.

Q: part 2
Dear vector prime
would it be ok if safegaurd and accumulator be friends?
liege fabulo
A: Safeguard says, and I quote: "Pthibbit!" Knowing Accumulator, the feeling is mutual.

Q: Do I have any chances with Thunderblast? Any at all? And I do mean Thunderblast the female Decepticon, not Thunderblast the Minicon ( Admit it, if I hadn't specified, your response would have been about my chances with the blasted Minicon, a pointless act of intentional ignorance meant to confound me! CONFESS, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! )
- BW Megatron
A: I think you would have a better chance with the Minicon, actually. There's less of a height difference, for one.

Q: How long would the Transformers last without Vector Sigma to dispense new sparks?
A: Quite a long time, if the colony worlds from the Cybertron series are any indication. However, they had Planet Keys, which might serve a similar function.

Q: I'm thinking of defecting from my people ( who are LOSING IT, I might add ) to one of the former slave drone species. Which one would be my best bet, the Autobots or the Decepticons?
- Would-be Quintesson defector
A: Autobots are less likely to string you up by your tentacles and use you as a pinata.

Q: Dear Meddling Robot,
I told you that you would pay for you're interferance, Autobot. It took some doing, but I've set things in motion to lead to your're downfall and that of ALL transformers everywhere! I didn't go back to the beginning and obliterate Primus and Unicron. I didn't sabotage Vector Sigma. I didn't start a transtemporal war. Oh no, this was MUCH better. I had a talk with the executives at HasTak, and they absolutely adore the idea I pitched in thier direction. Picture it as Transformers answer to "Crisis on Infinite Earths". The screams of Transfans eveywhere alone would shatter you're realities!
- Kang the Conqueror
A: You think that getting the Transfans angry is some kind of threat? Just waking up in the morning upsets most of them. We weathered Trukk versus Munkey, we can weather anything.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
Apart from Hot Shot, which Transformer do you despise most?
A: Hot Shot's twin brother in a bikini.