Not much happening out in fandom-land, or at least not much new. New Movie products are being announced almost every day, each one more lunatic than the last, but that's normal for movie hype. We are still waiting for Underoos in plus sizes so that we might put a pair on Plushie Slog. He's going around with a shirt and no pants.

Q: Dear VP,
1. Why do the Maximals have all the cute mechs, while I'm stuck over here with crazy people, a dead guy, and Waspinator?
2. Why does the Transmetal Driver hit everyone upside the head with the ugly stick?
3. If'n you can see the future, do I ever get a date?
--Quickstrike
A: 1) Marketing. The kids are supposed to cheer for the good guys, and giving the Maximals all the cute ones adds to that.

2) The Vok hoped that by making everyone ugly, the Transformer species would die out. Like many fangirls, the Vok didn't realise that Transformers don't reproduce that way.

3) I have seen alternate realities where yo indeed end up with a date. However, these are few and far between.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
If you were a Kiss Player, what would your partner look like?
A: Knowing my luck, mine would be fully clothed. In a burlap snowsuit.

Q: Dear Vector Prime ...
After reading last week's column, I now have two questions on my mind.
1: If Cannonball is the space pirate of the Cybertron continuity, then who is the space ninja?
2: What happened to Blinky the loveliest pillbug in the universe? Was his spark extinguished, or did he get stuck in the pizza again?
A: 1) You have a choice between the Autobot Backstop or the Minicon Kobushi. While neither are exactly ninjas, they are both martial artists. Kobushi is more likely to be found in space, however.

2) Blinky is still around, fortunately or unfortunately. He's taken to going to toy stores and giving pep talks to the shelfwarmers.

Q: My job entitles me sitting around all day in my alt mode. They never let me enter my robot mode unless the robotic equivalent of godzilla comes knocking on the door. It's extremely boring, especially when I want to stretch my legs and see the world a bit. Do you think anyone would mind if I just transform and sneak off in the middle of the night to take a little walk?
G1 metroplex
A: Don't you cause earthquakes when you walk? I recall seeing that somewhere but cannot find the reference. I would ask Safeguard to find it for me, but he's in a snit and refuses to detach from my arm. In any case, people are worried about what you might step in if you go off on your own. No one wants to have to scrape a herd of cows off your foot.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
I am a femme from one possible future. At least, I used to be. I commited suicide to save the one I loved (who did not love me in return), but I did not pass on to the other side. Instead, I remained in this world as a disembodied spark. I later possed a sparkless zombie body, but due to cirumstances beyond anyone's control, that body was, to put it nicely, "sent to its final rest." After that fiasco, I possed the body of a male battle drone-- Autolooper unit 505 prototype, which turned out to be an energy vampire. (seriously, I can't ingest anything but energon that has been sucked form another mech's body). However, this is not directly related to my question. A few hours ago, my friends, attempting to find out what exactly my new body could do, flipped a switch located between my legs (where a very private part for human males would be, I was told). This caused an annoying beeping noise that has been driving me crazy; it also parlayzed me from the waist down, so I can't move my legs at all. The worst thing about this is that the switch is stuck. Can you offer me some advice on what to do?
Thank you for the advice.
Autolooper
P.S. My friend are always reluctant about letting me drain energon from them. Do you know how I could persuade them to be less hesitant?
P.P.S Is Killdozer available? I'm a lesbian too!
A: ... I'm never accused of making up questions. Guess why. Anyway, my first thought when dealing with sticking joints is WD-40.

PS: Give them cookies afterwards? I think that's what humans do after giving blood. That or hypnosis.

PPS: She's available, but I'm not entirely certain what her Seeking profile is beyond 'Single female Decepticon combiner componant seeking female Decepticon.'

Q: Vector Prime,
As short background, I am a physicist and have recently contemplating your multiverse. And my question is this: Is your multiverse stemmed from a single event whereupon it follows the whole infinite outcome idea and your multiverse comes from there, or is it where there are multiple time lines running parallel to each other? If the latter, are there only finite universes, and only one of you and Primus?
A: If there was a single event that created the multiverse, I haven't found it yet. New universes are spawning off all the time, making it impossible to find an ultimate beginning. As well, they do not all run at the same speed - jumping to, say, an alternate Earth has no guarentee that you will land in the 2007 of that world.

There is only one Primus. Each Primus we see in the different media are merely manifestations of pieces of the whole. Same with Unicron. However, there are multiples of me.

Q: Vector Prime,
It has recently come to my attention that last Christmas you received a rather unflattering amount of coal… it has finally been discovered that the reason for this was due to an error in the paperwork, not because of any wrongdoing you may have committed. In other words, I goofed up. I am deeply, deeply sorry for this blunder, and as such I hope the “Big Book of Femme Phone Numbers (Transdimensional Edition)” this message came with is a sufficient method of apology, as well as something of a late Christmas gift. Once again, I am truly sorry about the coal, and hope that you can find it in your spark to forgive me. -Santa Claus (AKA Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Chris Cringle, Sinterklaas)
A: That was a mistake? Transformers eat coal like candy. I would have ended up with fat Minicons if they could gain weight. I'll gladly take the phonebook, though.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
I’m not entirely sure if this reached you, but I would just like to say thankyou for the help foiling Kang’s latest trans-temporal conquering scheme. Hope you enjoy the basket of energon goodies (scaled to you size).
-Captain America (Speaking on behalf of The Avengers)
A: People are determined that I end up with fat Minicons. Anyway, I didn't do anything. I realised I was in 616, and when I turned to leave, I tripped over Kang's stupid hover-pillow.

Q: Ancient Autobot Relic,
I have heard of the creatures known as “fans” and their legendary ability to whine. If I were to somehow harness the energy put into their whining, how much energon could I produce? Tell me now, and you will rule by my side, second only to me in the decepticon empire!
-Megatron (G1)
A: You would produce quite a bit of energon, but it wouldn't be good for anything. It would just sit there and sulk. If you drank it, it would make you dissatified with everything, but refuse to do anything about it except complain.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
Why am I always being viewed as a hand-me-down Starscream? True I made several attempts at getting MY Megatron’s job, but in my defense I was at least smart enough to realize when I was beat.
-Terrorsaur
A: First, last, and always, it's your voice. You rasp, he rasps, the end. True, your colours are similar and you both have upswept wings, but all anyone goes by is the voice.

Q: Dear Vector Prime:
How can we stop stupid humans from losing all our ****ing weapons?!
Sincerely,
A box full of Transformers
P.S. Particularly us Beast Warriors who need our weapons to form, y'know, our butts and stuff.
A: Have another box to store your weapons or keep your butts on at all times.

Q: Dear Vector Prime:
Galvatron's an insane raving nutbar. I did what any good Decepticon would do and tried to kill him and overthrow him, but he's really strong for an insane raving nutbar. So now I'm on my own and my former comrades are all trying to kill me. Look--at this point, is it really betrayal if I hook up with the Autobots? Also, I really don't think I'm gonna be able to stop doing stuff like cheating, gambling, hoarding fuel, stealing, and fencing goods on the black market. It's just ingrained too deeply.
Worried,
G1 Octane
A: If I recall my Decepticon Etiquette Book, what you are supposed to do in this situation is bring back some sort of trophy to your commander. He may still smack you around a bit, but he won't kill you and you'll be accepted back into the Decepticon ranks. Hooking up with the Autobots automatically gets you put on the Shoot On Sight list, as Decepticons are supposed to disagree with their leaders, but not abandon the faction.

In short, Decepticons are crazy, so you'll be better off with the Autobots. Talk to Smokescreen about gambling.

Q: Dear Vector Prime:
I'm in love with a Decepticon. But all the other Decepticons want to rip out his fuel tank for being an alleged traitor, so does he still count as a Decepticon? And maybe I can bring him to the light, that'd be good, right? How can I make the other Autobots understand my feelings?
Help!
Hopelessly yours,
G1 Sandstorm.
A: Being a traitor is just what Decepticons do and death-threats are how they show they care. Anyone calling himself a loyal Decepticon is likely to be pushed over and have his lunch money stolen by the others. Getting the other Autobots to understand is impossible. Autobots will always distrust sincere side-changers and accept the treacherous ones. The more your friends dislike and suspect your intended, the better a person he is.

Q: Dear Vector Prime:
We have been doing some investigating in preparation for the upcoming Transformers: Heroes cartoon. We have noticed that characters like Starscream and Hot Rod attract tons of fangirls who force them to star in bad fanfics that warp their personalities out of all recognition, and usually subject them to countless romantic relationships while they are at it. However, we hear minor characters like Beachcomber and Apeface complaining that they are totally forgotten and overlooked. So, we beg of your wisdom, what is worse: fangirls or no fangirls?
Yours truly,
the cast of TF: Heroes
A: Hm, tough call. On one hand, those who love obscure characters love them a lot, and work to keep them in character in their fanfiction. On the other, people like, say, Slog, haven't had an upgrade in twenty years. I'd say take the fans. It's often sticky, but eventually you will be rewarded with articulation.

Q: Dear Vector Prime:
I'm having trouble with stress. People keep coming to me with questions and demands and I just can't deal with that right now. Can't these Autobots figure out how the coffee pot works without my supervision?! The Autobots are falling apart!
Desperately yours,
G1 Ultra Magnus
A: I feel your pain. People ( not you ) ignore my FAQ and keep sending questions about animes I couldn't care less about, taking up my time when people such as you need my help.

What you need is a Blinky. When people come to you with a non-vital problem that they should be able to solve on their own, you can throw a Blinky at him. Blinky will then cling to him like a facehugger, leaving you to get on with important tasks.