Optimus Prime is horning in on my gig. He did an answer column for Entertainment Weekly. All right, so no one asked how old he was or why Hasbro reuses names, but I've been doing this for two years now and no magazine has called me.

While about the 2007 Movie, it is entirely spoiler-free. And, just for our records, I had Shrapnel make a copy:

Q: Do you keep in touch with your old Autobot buddies from the show?
A: We have a monthly poker game in Atlantic City. I was also the best man at Ratchet's wedding.

Q: What is it like to work with Michael Bay? We hear the guy can be a wee bit demanding.
A: Like most humans, there's more to him than meets the eye. Mike is nearly as attracted to Ferraris as Ironhide was in high school.

Q: Was it awkward at all between you and Decepticon leader Megatron at the craft-services table?
A: We lunched separately. Megatron is a Method actor; it is therfore wise to keep one's distance when he's in character or he will vaporize you.

Q: You got to work with Orson Welles in 1986's Transformers: The Movie. Any other run-ins with cinema visionaries?
A: I did some uncredited stunt work with Sly Stallone in Over The Top.

Q: Ever crank-call the GoBots?
A: Now you're just being preposterous. That's just a cartoon.

And now on to the questions e-mailed to me ...

Q: Old Dude,
Is it true you're so old you're made with clockwork gears and all?
Ironhide, Energon
A: I'm so old that I can shapeshift. The clockwork is just decoration.

Q: Dear nice kind respected Autobot,
I saw last week's letters. Can I sell my fangirls on eBay?
Starscream, hiding behind Wheeljack, Armada
A: Stranger things have been sold on eBay. It's worth a shot.

Q: Stealer of Names,
Why have I received a missive in your name suggesting an "abdominal merger"? And why does it smell of bacon?
Vector Sigma
A: ... It was written by a pig, perhaps? I expect the truly bizarre letters to come from the fans, not demon-spawned artefacts.

Q: Guardian of Time,
Concerning suicidal boats; what about Shockfleet-aka-Mirage?
Unicron
A: That is why I said 'generally'. Mirage appears to be an exception.

Q: Yo, Veccy!
Your choice; Primal Fear or Primal Scream?
Blaster, G1
A: Primal Scream, 1987, as it is the least realistic of the choices. If I wanted reality, I'd look out a window.

Q: Vector Prime,
Someone keeps sneaking into my quarters when I'm not around and leaving cryptic love-notes and energon treats for me. A spherical Minicon keeps following me around singing Barry Manilow songs. Do I have a suitor or a stalker?
Mirage, worried, Energon
A: I never thought I'd say this, but I think you are better off continuing your pursuit of Megatron. Cover the Minicon in tiny mirrors and send him back to his master.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
Re; last week's letters. How do you feel about being mistaken for Unicron? Why do you kick Cheetor? Why does Kickback have ankle-length pink knickerbockers?
Red Alert, Armada
A: That would be the first time I was mistaken for Unicron specifically. Some cultures still think that I'm the Chaos-Bringer, unfortunately. Cheetor is a Young Warrior With No Brain And Therefore Much Leadership Potential, so I kick him as often as possible. Kickback just likes to wear clothes, the more colourful the better.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
Thank you for answering my last question. I know that when you powerlink with someone, you powerlink with all their previous partners, but ... does that apply to Minicons too? Is sharing Minicons safe? Did Sideways turn up because everyone was powerlinking with everyone else's Minicons?
Hot Shot, Armada
A: When you powerlink with a Minicon, you are on a direct line to Unicron. I don't see how it gets much worse than that. ( Gigantion Minicons link you to the Giant Planet Key, which is rather safer. )

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
How much of a jerk was the Leige Maximo?
In your own opinion which is better Tequila or Vodka?
What is the real reason you were fired from Transformers Cybertron?
How many times have you thought about skewering and chopping Hot Shot into millions of pieces? If I were you I would have done so by the fifth episode and blamed it on the Decepticons.
A: 1) He wasn't so bad at the beginning. He became a jerk later in life.

2) I prefer tequila mixed with motor oil.

3) I was never fired. I appeared in almost every episode, one way or another.

4) I didn't mind Hot Shot so much in the show. It was fanfiction that turned me against him.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
I'm confused by Jolt in Armada and Jolt in Cybertron. Is Jolt a spawn of Unicron or does he come from Giant Planet?
A: Armada Jolt and Cybertron Jolt are entirely different people who simply share names and alt-modes. Armada Jolt is a spawn of Unicron. Cybertron Jolt is spawn of the Giant Planet Key. Because Minicons tap into the power of whatever spawned them, it's safer to powerlink with C-Jolt, even though A-Jolt is a perfectly nice person.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
1) May you please tell me the link to the Transformers Mary-Sue Litmus Test?
2) Why do some transformers suffer from speech problems (Shrapnel, Wheelie.etc)?
3) If Unicron and Primus were created by "The Source", what created "The Source"?
A: 1) The site that it was on has gone down. This means that, fortunately, it no longer exists, because it was a tool that nobody knew how to use correctly.

2) It varies. Shrapnel's is a vocaliser glitch which could be repaired, but he likes it. Wheelie is either the last of the Lost Legion or just was hit on the head by Quintessons too many times. Blurr's processor is overtorqued. Slog ... I think Slog just does it to annoy people.

3) Simon Furman.

Q: Hello again Vector Prime-san.
Recently I've encoutered a little problem.
Me and my squd are stationed at one of the long range monitoring stations of Cybertrons outer defensive perimeter - a place that can make your spak extinguish out of boredom. Ten megacycles ago Megatron sent us Starscream as "additional technical personnel" as he put it. Judjing by the state the seeker was in on arrival it was a punishment for yet another coup d'état attempt. Now to the main point - 3 megacycles ago we recieved one more soldier - a femmeseeker. Despite the fact that she has more or less normal design and so far haven't displayed any weird powers or extreme show of emotions, something in my spark tells me that she is a Sue.
So - the first question is How to determine if she is a Sue or not?
Second - in one those human sci-fi books (things we did of boredom...) protagonist was fighting against some sort of ugly demonic creatures wich had Sue like "Love Me!"-aura. He managed to protect himself from that effect by wearing a headpiece with some sort of scaner/visor that was showig everithing slightly distorted and in weird colors and distorting voices into somethig defenetly not "lovely". Will readjusting my sensors in that manner protect me from Sue "Leve Me!" powers long enough tu pump if full of armorpiercing shells?
A: You and your 'squd', hm?

How do you determine if she is a Mary-Sue despite not seeming to stand out in any way at all? I think you might just be paranoid about female Seekers. Female Seekers are the blonde joke of Transfandom - not all blondes are stupid, but overuse of the stereotype makes people expect stupidity. Not all female Seekers are Mary-Sues, there have simply been so many Mary-Sue Seekers that the initial reaction upon meeting one is to flinch.

Wayward thanks you for the link to the books.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
Did I live a warrior ans die to an hero?
Dinobot has spoken. My rigid grill structure...
A: 'Die to an hero', 'Code of Hero' ... no matter what, you seemed doomed to bad grammar.

Q: Dear Vector Prime,
I have a comrade who always wants to tie me up and torture me. (actually, she wants to torture everybody) What should I do about her?
Scrapheap (Transformers: Forever)
A: Put her through remedial training to remind her what that red face-like symbol she wears means.

Q: Dear Vecter Prim,
All I want to do is to play with Scrapheap a bit by causing him massive amounts of pain. How is that wrong?
Whipcoil (Transformers: Forever)
P.S. Can you set up a play date between me and Eidolon? I'm really attracted to her blade-tank design.
A: Aren't you an Autobot? You aren't supposed to do the massive amounts of pain thing. And given your time peroid, you're likely to be locked up.

Eidolon doesn't date.